first major disappointment in my life

从小到大，我所付出的努力都会有耕耘。在加上家庭的教育是赏罚分明-一个公平的制度，这可能造就了我对世界的看法- 凡是都是一份耕耘，一份收获。这也许在很多方面都是一个优点，但今天我发现， 如果误以为世界就是对每个人都是那么的公平， 那我也太过天真了。

Today  my grading concerning my work performance was confirmed , and it was a disappointing “C” – GOOD. And the reason why it was just only a GOOD, was because I had taken too many medical leave throughout the course of my past 1+ years in my job

I find it difficult to accept it initially, because my work ethic and work quality – in my opinion – is nothing short of an “A” – Outstanding. Out of all my responsibilities as an employee, the only thing I didnt managed to fulfil was to leave the office later than my boss.

I was always in early, never complained about too much work, always delivering on time (with high quality) and way before deadline etc. To even put my overall grading anything less than a “B” – Very Good , was already a huge blow to me.

One of the main reasons why I was so upset was because , the work ethic of others are not even close to what I’ve delivered, and yet their grades are much better than mine – all because I am sick.

Is that how it is like? That if you are sick, then no matter how good your work is , it doesnt count ? Is that the message we’re sending out to people whom give their heart and soul to a job?

I’ve been denied everything in my stint of serving my nation, no promotion , no awards and not even a grade that should’ve been fairly given to me. thinking of this, it often draws me to tears , I find that I cannot accept such a treatment.

Upon reflection, I can only say this for myself , this is the way of the samsara.

Samsara is not fair  , because of kamma, kamma is created, because of the kilesas.

Expecting a fair treatment is like expecting humans to fly. maybe humans have a higher chance of flying.

Nevertheless, I’ll continue to fulfil my duties towards my boss and my peers , if this is the way my kamma would be, I’ve do well to let it fruit and be done with it – who knows, maybe this is just a small way of repaying something i did very wrong in the past (i.e. not following the dhamma vinaya as a member of the ariya sangha?)

And if this is not my kamma, things will turn out for the better , right? I have sadda in this.

My sincere wish,is that whoever has did this to me, will not be in my position now or in the future, I do not blame anyone and I do not wish to pursue this matter anymore. Let it rest.

May all beings be well and happy.

Many Reflections

No photos for this today because this is meant to be a post that I've to take seriously when I am going to re-read it someday.

Day:
Tuesday , IPPT day. Xin Hao & Zi Wei came over to my house for a tea session. We Drank dragon well (long jing) tea and it was one of the finer and higher grade tea compared to what I am used to. In the midst of our discussions, I learned alot of things which I must apply or else I've be practicing for nothing...

1) Alot of times I feel that whatever works for me should and must work for another person. And personally, i've get very upset if it doesnt. Because I've been taught that everyone has the same psychology and whatever that works should work throughout without biasness. However, this form of thinking seems to be hugely mistaken by me! Everyone has their own natural tendencies and inclinations, and it is wrong of me to try and force upon others what i feel is the best. Upon which , I've like to apologise to many people because I've done that on them and I would like to apologise to these people, although I may have lost alot of their contacts...

Dear Friend,

I am sorry that i've forced my thoughts on you previously, please accept my apology.

To:
Xin Hao , Mr Yang (ZW) , Shi Ping , Shi Long , Zhen Hui.

2) Things happen by their own natural accord and we shouldnt force anything's progress beyond their natural speed.

3) Conceit is another one of the weak link i've found in myself. I often like to think that I am an expert in a certain field although only knowing a bit about them , i.e. listening to a seminar, or reading a series of books. I've not given due respect to the field of interest and even attempt to teach others how to do it.

On a very very personal basis, I feel this is where blogging for $$ should not be made as a main thing unless you was or am a field expert before! I've been trying to setup blogs of my own "passion" , however I fail to realise that I am neither an expert on the area nor know any of the experts . Making such a thing into a solid source of income is hardly righteous nor beneficial.

I end my reflections here.

Today has been such a meaningful day, maybe many a times, if our heart asks a sincere question , wherever we look, a sincere reply will be obtained.

It appears all of life's question can be answered if only we knew how to listen, and really listen, not to others, but to the deep inner voice ... within.