Friendship

It is in the face of adversity that friendship is tested. This sentence rings in my head these few days, I had a sort of a row with one of my bros, and to be honest I am largely to blame for my impulsiveness. I sometimes wonder if my priority to have friends on the top of my list was a good decision, sometimes i just feel unappreciated.. un cared for and taken for granted.

Perhaps if i switched off my mobile devices for a week , I would be able to look at myself better, instead of having the feeling that i’ve poured out all my energy and emotion into friendship, and am left empty handed. Although logically I know that I am left with the joy of friendship and that of unselfish giving, I am emotionally not able to keep up with this logic.

My best friend (xh) once told me that for him, he feels the same way and the person whom can fill this gap for him was a girl, that might also be true in my case, but are humans really that pathetic? That we cannot shower love and concern for our friends – and that it is only reserved for that special “someone” ?

My heart is full of sadness… filled with loneliness and filled with nothingness… I really wanna have a good cry.. But i’ve been unable to do so for a very long time… the best i could muster was a tear , I am sick and tired of this state that I am in, is this what life is about?

Perhaps we all show our love and concern in our own ways.

岁月的痕迹

好久没在此写出人生中的点点滴滴，人生总是起起落落，感觉上写来写去都是那几样东西，少了些新鲜感吧。我今年以二十初头了，虽然心仍然处于少年的状态，但不可否认的事实近几日终于让我接受了。

读者会问，“接受了什么呢？”，接受了长大后所得承担的某些责任与负担。自幼我从来没有为物质上的东西而有够多的烦恼，因为家庭吃，穿，住和药都算有了，其他的享受有则欢，无也罢。但慢慢想起这一切都是父母的血与汗换回来的，并非从天空掉下来的，从今往后，若要保持现状，那责任便是我的啦！

这么一个领悟对我来说并非太晚，我会为我父母，家人与朋友的将来努力打拼。

The Claws Of Love – Part 1

This is a story –.- , this story is part fiction and part fact as I am writing with the intention of sharing the moral of the story with everyone hence I’ve modified the story (the characters , settings etc but plot is fact) a little to suit the plot better. Putting this as Part 1 only means that I do not not if i’ll finish this story in a single post …

As I finally start to come to terms with the fact that she cannot be the special someone that I’ll share part of my life with, my heart withered and the world turned gloomy, from the horizon the sun was setting, and life seems bleak at best, the fires of missing her were subsiding , however the lingering feeling that something was missing – like a piece of me was torn off - remained,

Hi , My name is James… and this is my story with her…

I knew her from school and when i first saw her , I didn’t bear a particular interest in her except that she was a classmate and also a friend of my close friend. Our regular meet-ups were in mass lectures halls where we would be sitting quite near each other – hardly any conversation took place .  We would often have our lunch together with a bunch of other classmates , in which I seldom spoke as well.

Nothing in particular happened for a few weeks, until we were given a group project by our teacher and she said “Ok James you will be doing the project with Jesscia” , that was the first time I heard her name and it sure did caught my attention.

From then, we started having group meetings regularly as it was in both of us to want to complete the project exceeding expectations, and as a keen observer, I realised that Jess(ica) had something troubling her , I couldn’t put a finger on it , but I didn’t asked further .

As time went by , we got closer and closer together as good friends – partly because of the project, and we started joking around and seemed to have hit it off quite well. That was when I felt it was time for me to pop the question “Jessica, something seems to be bothering you, care to share?”

Looking back, I wished I had never asked this question…

She turned and looked at me with an elusive expression , after several seconds , she replied “why do you ask James?”

Sensing that she would be willing to share with me her problems if I pushed further I replied “Oh you seemed troubled by something and I thought I might be able to help”

"I don’t know if you can help .. but i’ll tell you anyway, I’ve just broke up with my boyfriend”

Hearing that I lent her my listening ear and we spoke about the issue, it was evident that she was hiding alot of information as her stories were not in chronological order – I didn’t mind, after hearing her story, this was what I gathered,

Jess and her boyfriend had broken up because he felt that both of them were not ready for a relationship as school work was very stressful and her boyfriend had a family to support (working part-time as well), he didn’t want to “short change” Jess as he felt he was failing in his duty as a boyfriend. Hence the broke up.

Listening to her story made me empathise with her plight, and I tried – in vain – to console her , the only thing I could do was accompany her, our project discussions that day did not continue as she was too bogged down by her emotional burdens to think straight.

At that moment when she was close to breaking down, she appeared to me like a blooming flower , so beautiful and so perfect , and I thought “let me help you to get out of this traumatic experience” .

For the next few weeks, Jess and I began to sit next to each other during lectures – and we shared a good amount of humour together , we usually have our meals together – except when I had to accompany my male friends .

I constantly listened to her problems and empathise with her, and sometimes she would not even speak about her problems and she would bluntly say “drop it James”.

I began to develop feelings for her and we got closer and closer , once she got so upset that she cried on my shoulders and gave me a hug for a good long while – it was an warming experience , I hugged her back and said “everything will be okay”

From that day onward, everyday in school became enjoyable , I looked forward to seeing her daily and at night we would often chat either online or on the phone, on days where I was rather busy, I would send her text messages , it was as if everyday the reason to rejoice was her, and everyday life only seem meaningful with her presence, life couldn’t have been better , I was enjoying her company and I wished I had her company forever. I decided , its time to make my move . . .

As 14th February approaches , I decided to ask for her “hand” – no not marriage- to go into a relationship with me on the 12th of February , I rehearsed my lines well and all seems to be in place and on the 11th night I called her to ask her out the next day for dinner, before I asked her out it was a routine that we would first talk about some random stuff , when I first heard her voice that night – it was unforgettable,

She was elated and seems to be brimming with joy, initially I thought it was because I was feeling rather happy and had some influence over her, and then I popped the question “you sound very happy today , are your inner conflicts with your past relationship resolved?”

I remember that scene all too well, I was sitting on my bed , on the right of my bed was the book I had just put down prior to the call, in front of me was my LCD TV and resting on my pillow , with the lights off, I was speaking with her on my handphone,

She replied “ I just reconcile with my boyfriend ! We’ve worked things out”

My world collapsed, as I sank into the abyss of darkness…

Starting the day with a good morning

There’s always something about waking up early in the morning and getting some nice simple workout. I don’t do it often (yet), however, everytime when I do (get up early ~6-7am) , the experience is always a refreshing and rejuvenating one!

I’ve read alot about early risers and it’s benefits , however it is hard to believe any of what is written until I’ve truly experienced it myself, and boy , am i amazed!

I used to think that by sleeping late and working through the, wee hours of the morning actually saved me time (and I was being productive) , however ever since I got in touch with early rising (consequently sleeping earlier)  , my opinion on the matter changed – a paradigm shift.

Sleeping one hour later and waking up one hour earlier may seem the same , however they mean a whole lot of difference!

From a medical point of view, the human body is biologically wired to rest at about 9pm and to rise at about 4-5am! Between 9-3am, major organs are actually undergoing “maintenance” and it’s a good idea to be resting at these hours.

From my own personal experience, it is alot easier to sleep 1 hour later then wake up one hour earlier , that being said, it is better to sleep one hour earlier than to sleep one hour later – especially true if I am working on an individual project or something that requires my attention. why?

Because by waking up earlier, there are fewer distractions around (although the same can be said for working late) but the best part is that your body had a good rest and is now ready to tackle the task at hand !

I am going to get into the habit of rising early (and sleeping early) as it’s simply amazing!

My First Neighbour in twenty two years

This is gonna sound silly… but I finally got a neighbour after twenty two years on earth! :)

Well it’s kinda like a kampung spirit thing.. but it’s real good to have someone that lives so near you and that means can meet up with less restrain with distance (Travelling time).

And we kinda clicked it well after a few chats and have some similiar interest as well! =) Like basketball , dota , studying (yea i think we both like that >.<”) and yea!

We don’t exactly live next to each other but vertically above one another instead! and we vary by 10 storeys !

Okay I could go on, but no i won’t lols..

Alright , kinda an informal post here =)

When all hell breaks loose…

Finally found some time to write into my blog..

the exams has been very stressful for the past 2 weeks plus.. my routine lifestyle has been “broken” , i.e.

- cant be a avid facebook user

- cant slack on msn

- no bball trainings

- no tues meditation

- no wing chun

- no long hours of sleeping

I could go on and say how much it sucked.. bla bla bla.. but I won’t, because I have this very strong belief, that every adversity is a learning opportunity, there is something good out of every bad thing that happens to us – only if we look hard enough.

So what is so good about not being able to do the above? (Note: I am just saying theres a good side to it, not that it is 100% nice and rosy)

well for one, I get alot of personal time with myself (and my exam preparation) , and I get to cut off most(if not all) social activities (including online social activities) , which allowed for me to

- look at myself and reflect in quiet solitude about the purpose of life

- cherish the times that I had with my friends

- have time to be greatful for what I have

- relook at the way I was living my life

okay thats the heavy stuff.. now for some lighter stuff, because the exams totally interrupted my pattern, it meant that I had the opportunity to re-establish new patterns AFTER the exams! And in my quiet solitude, I learned a great deal about myself and the way I did things, it was most insightful and rather personal.

One things for sure, we are stronger than we think and have much more in us that we show . But we seldom show that side of ourselves, because life is too nice and rosy, however when all hell breaks loose, the part of us that says “Never give up” will show, and that is when life is most rewarding .

My good brother (xin hao) once shared with me the things he did prior to his full time ordination , he went to the places he loved, ate the food he liked.. etc etc . How much of these do we take for granted in our daily lives?

Although the exams has been a daunting task so far, however if I could choose again (assuming I could), I would choose to go through it again.

 

Because in the face of adversity,

when all odds seems to be against me,

I suddenly stopped walking

and looked at myself,

and for once, I saw my own reflection,

who I really am.

It is one of the “ahh” moments in life, when things goes too smoothly, we seldom stop in our tracks (pun intended) to look at how we are travelling or where we are going, only when we hit a kerb or fall down, do we reconsider our options – that is why , in every adversity , lies an opportunity.

世外桃园,a place called peace

 

中国花园之景色，Actual Footage of chinese garden

以经好久没有用华文写下我的感想了，但今日我将以我的母语表达我对世外桃园的另类体验。还请大家对我的华文不佳多多包容！（我也会以英文写出我的感受）

今日武术练习取消，原本大算在家温书，但好友ck邀约我一同用餐然后一道练习武术-也因自己

爱与好友闲聊，所以便答应了他。晚餐就不提了，用完饭之后，我们决定到中国花园（chinese garden)练习武术,一路上我们有说有笑，仿佛亲兄弟一班。

一到了目的地，眼见天空闪电频频，天色一片暗红，心想天就快要下雨了，但花园中有数多可遮风挡雨之处，便不把他当作一回事。

我们俩就这样走入了花园，到了里面有如踏入了一个非常安静的地方，有人真在散步，又看见有人在静坐，周围一片安宁，心也平静了。

走这走这，心中有一种非笔墨所能行容的平静感，有如一切过去与未来都消失了，没有压力，没有一大堆的杂念，又有好友相伴，如果在此品品茶，弹奏琴，下下棋，写书法，作作画，那该是多么完美的一件事啊！！！

离开时，心中有许多的依依不舍，但好友感叹“每一次的离去，带表下一次的到来”，听了有些惊讶，因为从每听过好友有如此雅兴说出如此有“墨水”的话，我心里也有所感叹，儿时毫无疑问的，这便是书中所写的“世外桃园”。

Phew, that was a feat ! Been a while since I last used chinese to write such a long “Compo” !

Today martial arts training was cancelled due to some unforseen circumstances, wanted to stay at home and study, however I decided one of my good pals ck and I decided to have our own training session and have dinner together at the same time.  And this was how I discovered “A Place Called Peace”,

After dinner, ck and I decided to go to chinese garden for our “private” training session, upon reaching the gates of the garden, the welcoming breeze greeted us and a amazing sort of peace feeling took over . Although the skies was showing it’s wrath with instances after instances of lightning, we proceeded to tour the garden and settled for a spot – which was near a toilet which could act as a shelter for us in case it rained – and started our training.

The feeling that such a place brought was a very calm, serene and indescribable sense of peace .  There were little signs of humans within sight, however, a walk around revealed people jogging, dancing and meditating amongst the woods. Everyone was composed and calm and there were only the sounds of nature echoing against the peaceful lake .

I’ve never felt so incredibly at ease without effort at all, a step away from the city life, it was a savour of mother nature and the blessing to have a good brother by my side.

Before we left, my good friend ck even said “every departure signifies the next arrival”, it came as a total surprise as my friend hardly speaks eloquently, much less made a poem! It was then that I was sure this is “A Place Called Peace” .

stop the abuse.. on ourselves!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As I look around myself and on myself… I realised that humans are really great at abusing ourselves… and we get very “happy” about abusing ourselves…! And what are the two main things that we humans abuse?

First it is our body, Taking the rearing of horse as an example, we give the horse the most nutritious grass,the best water , and we let it exercise on a daily basis, by nightfall we let it sleep, when it’s sick we give it more water, more rest, and the best care. If we treat our body the way we treated the horse, there would be less unhealthy people around… Why?

Let’s switch roles and treat the horse like how we treat our body, what happens? We would feed the horse with things that the horse likes to eat (but not good for it’s body) , we would fry the grass, feed the horse soft drinks, deprive it of water, don’t allow it to exercise, and on top of that, the horse will only get to sleep past midnight… and let’s assume the horse can work like us, it’ll be working it’s ass off , just how much abuse are we giving our body? Depriving it of rest… of water… of nutrient… to satisfy what?

To satisfy our own greed, instead of eating what is beneficial to our bodies, we eat things that are beneficial to our greed through the function of taste,. instead of drinking water that is beneficial to our body,we drink things that are beneficial to our greed through the function of taste, instead of resting our body, we let it work on overdrive, for various reasons, just when are we going to let our body deserve the care it deserves?

The second thing we abuse is our mind, in fact, I am inclined to believe that we abuse our bodies because our mind is already so scarred and wounded beyond our imaginations,but because it takes no physical form, that is why we are as if oblivious to the extend of it’s injuries !

Our mind is like a wild monkey, ordinarily, monkeys love running and jumping around, never sitting still, in a bid to control the monkey, we tie a steady string to the monkey’s arm , and sometimes we succeed in restraining the monkey , but often, when the monkey meet with thing it likes and dislikes, it either runs in the direction of what it likes, or flee in the opposite direction of what it dislikes, when that happens, we’re at the full mercy of the monkey! sometimes the monkey runs so fast, that it loses it’s sense of direction, and we too get lost !

And when the monkey finally gets tired, it looks for a place to stay and rest, but alas, there’s no house in sight! And the rain pours… the sun shines… the monkey is left, wounded, stranded and defeated . Having no choice, the monkey comes to a rest at the very spot it was at the moment, and having being led round and round by the monkey , we too , stop to rest on the uncomfortable ground.

With no place to call his own, no roof over it’s head, our minds is under constant abuse from the elements of nature, it never gets to rest completely!

These are the 2 most valuable assets we humans have, but we failed to take good care of them,  just exactly what are we losing out on that we don’t even have time to look after our most valuable assets ?

That is a question to ponder upon.

A full mind

Met ajahn keng today, and felt very at ease about him, had plenty of laughs but the mind was very stable and didn’t shake about too much.

Dont have much to talk , for all that needs to be spoken has been.

=)

A heart released … i wonder … but wondering only ties it down …

The practice of genorosity and virtue so important…

Why I am doing so badly in school =(

Readers please be warned that there will be multiple reference made to toilets and dirty stuff in this post. . . largely because I’ve literally been admonished by my grandpapa of truth through a mp3 recording. . . and felt so bad I’ve be better of digging a hole and hide my face in it . . . The below is a message mostly written to myself , I find using analogies works very well because at different times it can hold a different meaning to different persons as well . . .

This will be a long post . . . Beginning of analogy (skip if its too long)

 

Being the top 10 student in secondary school and also amongst the top few in polytechnic to be able to enter into the university of a high calibre, I found myself stranded in a position where I can’t seem to cope with my studies at all . . . Too much homework . . . Too much information to digest . . . ecetera

And the surrounding environment makes it all seems “natural” and “yea uni is like that” , and I sort of got into a stinky toilet and just because everyone is so comfortable inside and echoes of “toilets can never be clean. . .” and as such, I happily take a seat on the dirt ridden floor and sing along with sloth and torpor dancing along then engaging in vain speech and the mind simply slips into the toilet bowls . . . full of bowels and mucous and I exclaim “What bliss is it to have such company ! What bliss is it for my mind to dwell in that toilet bowl !”

The truth cannot be further away ! People nowadays can’t wait to congratulate you in joining them in the dance with sloth and torpor you know, they’ll throw parties and parades when a new member exclaims that “Ah the toilet bowls should stink and urinals always overflow” , they even invite all the alumnis and bring you all around their own toilet bowls which is filled with shit saying “see ours is like that also!” , then the mind happily goes along , when will we ever see the dirt and filth we are living in ?

It is only natural for the mind to be soaked in dirt and rubbish, but  if we the owners of this mind do not quickly hasten ourselves and start fertilising the rubbish and dirt so that the lotus will grow out quickly, we might just stay there long enough and become part of the dirt !

End of analogy – to main topic now

Okay , I’ve finished my analogy , please do carefully consider this matter clearly for yourself.

Let me continue unto the pareto’s principle or simply known as the 80/20 rule , and it states that . . .

 

“20% of what we do produces 80% of our results

80% of what we do produces 20% of our results”

It simply implies that out of the many tasks we do, a minority of them forms a majority of our results

From experience and many top student’s testimonial… 3 things matters the MOST when it comes to academic performance. . .

1) Reading up before a lecture

2) Paying attention in the lecture

3) Reading up after a lecture

And guess what ?

Amazing. . . I didn’t read up before a lecture , I didn’t read up after a lecture , I didn’t bother to do the textbook questions and I complain I got no time and I don’t know how to do the tutorials?

I better wake up my idea. . . Good thing it’s only week 6. . .  Wake up Wake up!!!

my five best friends

Been refraining from blogging the past week or so because my thoughts has pretty much been established in such a way that I feel if i were to start typing it here, people might think i am crazy !

What more can i say? hahas..

I do have 5 best “physical” friends… wont mention names here lest their privacy gets invaded =p hahas.. but they’ve been a source of support and inspiration for me… =)

I have alot of thoughts these days.. but i do my best not to let my mind get all entangled up with them.. the only thing that i really want to say and express my utmost gratitude for are my 5 best friends from within, which 5?

My friend of harmlessness, whom would not do harm even to the smallest of beings (ants) , and through him my heart is cool with loving kindness

My friend of contentment, whom is perfectly content with whatever he has and would only sought to give what he has to others and not covet what others have for himself , and through him my heart is filled with contentment and appreciation

My friend of respect, whom would not engage in disrespectful acts of any kind towards people whom are loved by loved ones and protected by love ones, and through him my heart is filled with a sense of calmness

My friend of honesty , whom would not utter a single falsehood to anyone , and through him  heart is set at ease and i gain many more friends

My friend of mindfulness, whom seeks to maintain itself in being aware of what is going on from moment to moment and will not allow things to jeopardize it , and through him my heart is always alert

many thanks for befriending this 5 friends ^^ may they all be your friends as well :)

Mathematics is tough

First semester module.. Mathematics for Science.. A tough challenge for me =(

First chapter functions already got be baflled and trigonometric identities made me go “gaga”

But i trust nothing is impossible.. and i’ll still score well for this module!!

Adapting to school life sure isn’t as smooth as i taught, my body does not have enough rest (4-5 hrs per day) and my mind is being used almost in every waking hour..

It would appear alot of my “social” activities online will have to stop and priorities needs to be given to my body and my mind (and it’s development)

May all go well !

Listening

Listening is an art.. and when one can truly listen and not judge.. that’s something.. most ppl can only brag about listening.. but the true listeners are humble beyond measure..(a true irony after these quotes)

some quotes..(source: here)

“A wise old owl sat on an oak; The more he saw the less he spoke; The less he spoke the more he heard; Why aren't we like that wise old bird?

“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.”

“So when you are listening to somebody, completely, attentively, then you are listening not only to the words, but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed, to the whole of it, not part of it.”

“You seldom listen to me, and when you do you don't hear, and when you do hear you hear wrong, and even when you hear right you change it so fast that it's never the same.”

The true irony is.. that if one feels that nobody listens to him enough.. its very likely because one don’t listen to others enough.

Happy National Day

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes.. happy birthday singapore.. ! yesterday’s national day parade was sure a very nice show for me.. but throughout the parade, i didn’t actually “enjoy” it because my mind was instead set on contemplation of life.. yes.. if you like to enjoy life and go by the motto of “one life , live it” , please feel free to skip the contents below..

As the parade showed alot of people gathering around to perform, a thought hit me and said “look at these people , how many of them are virtuous? how many of them have sila?” and the answer my mind gave was not a good one.. Thus I reflect.. it is indeed my merit to be able to make an effort to be virtuous..

Then there was a segment where it showed the vision of MM lee and he exclaimed “In ten years time, this city shall be a metropolis , fear not!” , well i was very impressed with MM’s vision… but i am even more reminded of the vision and metta of the fully enlightened one.. Thus i reflect, it is indeed my merit to be able to meet and practice the teachings of the teacher who’ve shown us the way..

This national day is like a buddha puja day for me.. lol.. there is no greater leader.. no wiser awakened one.. then the fully right awakened one.. buddham saranam gacchami !!

p.s. sorry for readers who want to read about my life :P i feel these contemplations are more of my daily thoughts.. and perhaps this is a small insight into my thoughts ^^”

Sleeping alot =D

Been a long time since i last got to wake up at 9am+ and 10am + . and it kinda feels good ! =) And i also get to do the housework which I so have been wanting to do for a long long time (but didn’t get to fulfill this wish till now!)

Schedule kinda pack these days still at night.. but i suppose the morning rests kinda makes up for it ! tada!

Oh and i encourage everyone to make a facebook account – I do not need to hyperlink you there do i ? because its probably one of the most convenient mediums for social communication nowadays ! =D

see all of you on face book! (add me @ ben pek – friends only)

Is Desire Good?

I’ve heard many a times people say that we shouldn’t do good for the sake of doing good, and that we shouldn’t be greedy over merits ! And that if we do “good deeds” because we wanted the merit, then its greed.

But when they start to gossip about other people’s bad things, when they go drinking alcohol or when they start having bad intentions towards others, do they realise what they are doing? when it comes to indulging in sensual pleasure , do they say ‘oh i shouldn’t be greedy about watching tv”. NO! they go ahead and do it!

At least the people who are “greedy” after the goodness behind a good deed is smart enough to know he is accumulating merit !

Such is the nature of people, when they want to do something they do not first consider the consequences or the intention behind their actions – they simply follow their defilements . But when it comes to doing good , they can come up with all the excuses and even say that we shouldn’t be greedy over “Goodness” !!

I’ve said enough..

A dream…

Words cannot describe how I feel.. Just going to be very random here.. Whoever can understand will.. whoever don’t .. just don’t…

You see that car?

How do you know its real?

Because the eyes sees colours..

Because the skin can feel..

Because you remember seeing and touching it..

But what if you were blind?

But what if you couldn’t feel?

What if you couldn’t remember?

Would that car still be real?

All these things feel so real because of what we see.. hear.. taste.. smell .. touch .. and think.. if anyone of it was removed from the equation.. would things still appear so real?

Maybe we’re all living in a dream.. a nightmare.. ><”

My Last Week Of Work..

 

This week marks the end of my NS stint.. I leave my office with mix feelings.. Rather not say them now.. let the photos do the talking!! (we took more photos then this, click this link to see more! )

Steam Boat Gathering Prior To Last Day Of Work

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everyone preparing to makan!                                                     Group Photo After Dinner

Last Day Of Work

 

 

 

 

 

 

            mdm gopi me sze tho                                                                        Boss And Me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shahreza and Me                                                                          My work desk – one last time =(

Through this.. I reflect.. everything is subjected to 4 conditions , birth , aging , illness and death. Alot of my colleagues ask me “why do you talk like as if you are going to die?” , because that’s exactly what was on my mind on the last day..

Birth – I was “born” in the office on january 2008 , still young, i strove my way to learn all I could

Aging – I matured through the years and gained alot of experience on the job

Illness – Job screw up, relationship issues with office , everything unpleasant

Death – And now i’ve been placed in the coffin, never again will I be part of this office

This 4 conditions is found in all (conditioned)things.. everything without exception is subjected to this 4 conditions.. This “Death” (ORD) of mine is only a small one.. when a bigger “Death” comes along.. can I handle it?

That is the real cause of my sadness…

a little at a time

Slowly this few days the feelings that bugged me for a long time is starting to dissipate, what remains is a slight sting which appears quickly and disappears just as fast. I hope this can be maintained =)

As life begins to shift into a different chapter , my ORD date closes in as my days in the university is about to begin ! Some would think that I am dead set on leaving NS and go to uni , however, my heart is filled with a tinch of sadness as I’ll miss all my buddies in my office, the times we had – good and bad, they are indeed as close to me as a family would be.

It’s hard for me to accept this transition, as I’ve never felt so close to a group of people , their understanding and kindness , especially our supervisors (mdm kaur , harold & wei xiong) treats us so well and can accept us for who we are not to work within our differences.

I’ll always remember them and the times we had together will forever be cherished.

How do I let go ?

It seems impossible for me to let go.. 7 days ago.. lol .. this is the seventh morning i awaken very early (5am+ 6am) to a very heavy and “Emo’ feeling.. everyday it burns..

This aching feeling.. this fear. .this worry.. that my friends would do stupid things and end up in inconceivable dire consequences. Images of their suffering ran through my head day after day, night after night, without rest , like a shadow that never leaves – not even in my sleep.

I seem so certain that something is going to happen to those whom do foolish stuff.. (drinking alcohol , meddling with girls unchastely) , however i forgot, that all these things are just too extreme..

Where is my trust in my friends? In that they’ll look after themselves, as of now, they seem to be doing better off than i am, so much for foolishness leading to suffering – I seem to be the wise one, but why am i suffering more?

Learning to let go, and always know , life is uncertain , there is not certainty in life and there never will be. Whether or not my friends will end up for better or for worst with their foolish actions? – not sure. Because they too have wise actions and skilful actions as well, just that some of them are more inclined towards foolish actions – thats ALL .

If you see certainty in that which is uncertain, you are bound to suffer.

Should start looking inwardly at myself, am i tainted by the same defilements as my friends are? lead by the same stupid foolish delusion , blinded by passion and disgusted by aversion?

Everyone is owner to their own actions and heir to the consequences of their actions , there is nothing I can do except point the way towards happiness.

I am determined to overcome this suffering and become wiser in my dealings with every fellow beings.